The Fastest Tortoise in Scrimpleshire! By CpSingleton © 2014
Once upon a time there was a man called Flappyteeth.
He was an out of the box thinker.
From being a small child, living in the small, backwater village of Gringot’s Goose, Flappyteeth had dreamed a wild dream.
His parents constantly pooh-poohed. Flappyteeth put it down to the excess prunes they ate for breakfast.
Anyway, back to the dream. It was a wild dream. A wonder of a dream. A dream of all dreams.
Flappyteeth wanted to breed tortoises.
Not merely your ordinary, lettuce munching, slow moving, winter sleeping tortoises.
Flappyteeth wanted to breed fast moving tortoises.
Tortoises that could rival cheetahs for speed.
Tortoises that would set the world alight.
Tortoises that would get him on the BBC, ITV, NBC, ABC and even the Cookery channel!
He spent his early years working on the family’s gold farm, earning a massive three pennies a year for gently scrabbling on his knees for twenty-eight hours a day.
Each year brought him closer to owning his own pedigree tortoise.
Sixty-three years later saw him standing outside the pet-shop, waiting for it to open.
He itched with the excitement and the mohair undies his mother had knitted him for Christmas.
The hours seemed to dawdle by as he waited. It was a bank holiday and Flappyteeth didn’t believe in them enough to go home. So he waited.
Then it came to pass that Flappyteeth, son of Jibbledygob and Wanglebut, had in his hand the tortoise of all tortoises!
The supreme example of a full pedigree tortoise! It’s little prehistoric head popped out of its shell and smiled at Flappyteeth. He in turn grinned widely back.
He then rushed home to prepare his prize’s training.
Tortoise under his arm, he dodged the evening traffic, the charity collectors near the supermarket and the drunks by the swings. They were the worst. Eight year olds could be very persistent.
He ran over hill and down dale, stopping only once in a busy car park to take a deep breath, until he arrived at Gringot’s Goose.
His mind fluttered and flittered like a canary at a rave.
Firstly he would teach it to trot around the barn he used as a bedroom, then he would let it loose in its own field.
He would feed it on Kinder eggs and acorn milk. He would show it videogramms of its rivals in action and he would sing it gentle Anthrax lullabies at bedtime.
He carefully placed his new friend on top of his newspaper bed and stepped back with a frown.
Something wasn’t right.
The tortoise didn’t move.
It didn’t even pop its little wrinkly head out to say hello.
He offered it a Kinder egg.
Flappyteeth kneeled down to look closer and saw something that nearly made him bring up last week’s late supper!
The shell was empty!!
He screamed in utter pain. Like the time he whipped up his fly zip too quickly.
Far across the county of Scrimpleshire, on top of a rented, dented Renault Espace, moving at eighty-three miles per hour, was a shocked, exhilarated and very naked tortoise.
The fastest there ever was!
Via CCTV, it did get on TV and the on to YouTube.
Flappyteeth was so sad that he mourned noon-ed and night-ed for a very, very long time.
Then he bought a cheetah kitten, dressed it in the empty tortoise shell and was subsequently arrested for fraud.
NB. No animals were hurt in the making of this story.