There are days when you wake up that you know it’s gonna be…
Then you sit, your ears ringing and think “fuck you!”
Take your stormy, salty sea,
Your rolling, treacherous galleys,
Your irksome heave oh’s and
Shove them up your poop deck!
I’m going to be Lieutenant Dan!
I will scurry up your aft mast,
All curse words and sweat and
In your crows nest I will perch,
Screeching my vengeance to the sky.
Hit me with your best shiver of timber!
Heave me this way and the other!
I will drag you into calmer waters.
I will moor you in my harbour.
I’m the captain of my destiny!
Protector of my bounty!
I’m not going down without a fart!
And other mixed metaphors!
I’m the Executor of my exclamation mark!
Therefore I can say what I like:
It’s my ship now, isn’t it, Mr Christian?
And none of the above is sexual,
Although reading back it does appear slightly “how’s yer father”
More naughtical than nautical, perhaps.
It’s not! Perverts!