Once upon a time there was a young boy called John.
John lived with his grandmother in a one bedroom cottage and saw things that nearly blinded the poor boy.
The only thing they had in the whole wide world was a cow, Daisy. She was mild, meek, but very old. So old was she that John could only squeeze snot out of her withered udder.
It was decided, therefore, that John was to take her to market.
On market day he walked the three miles with nothing but dreams in his head and an empty belly.
They arrived early, yet stayed all day long, as not one person wanted to take poor Daisy from his hands.
Then, just as he was about to slump off home, a tall man with vibrant cloaks and a long pointed hat asked John to help him with a wonky cartwheel.
John, though tired, aided the man and was rewarded with an offer of a handful of magic beans in return for Daisy.
John was overjoyed! The rumours were true!
He near-on snatched the beans from the kind faced gent and ran all the way home.
Tired and out of breath, he threw open grandmother’s cottage door, told her his excited news and was punched in the groin for his troubles. She then snatched the beans from him and lobbed them out of their only window with several coarse words.
John, though, wasn’t perturbed. He knew in his heart of hearts that the beans would bear fruit.
He dreamt that night of a large beanstalk and gold beyond even that wild dream.
When he awoke, hungry and cold, he ran to the window and saw, before his very eyes, sweet sod all!
Which went on to prove that Jack, a fellow classmate of John’s, was a lying, little bastard after all.